Set the table and vacuum the floors

No thank you’s just nods of approving

Get the one hundred percents in school

She’s so independent and smart

Don’t ask for help

Do not complain

Listen and do what you’re told

and never

ever

Talk back

Do not show the struggles

Do not ask too many questions

Do not do not do not

There’s nothing left and no one knows

You may watch your siblings

Pick them up and drop them off and pick up and drop off and pick up and drop off

Obey

You’re too big

Shrink

By any means possible

Less food more running less food less less less

Smaller and smaller and smaller

There’s nothing left and no one knows

To them you are nothing except what you can do for them

Be successful but never grow up

Always listen

You have to listen

There’s

Nothing

Left

Three am.

White dress. Short, sheer, flowy, lacy

Just like the one she always wanted- maybe Isabel Marant

Starving and jittery

The way she preferred to feel because starving to her was euphoric and the caffeine was more enjoyable than any other drug

Clear minded and aware of everything

Walk down the road to the end of the world (the cliff above the secret beach in her tiny little town)

Look out at the ocean and down at the waves

Feel the wind on her skin- she loved the wind more than anything

Sit down on the edge

Dangle her legs into the void and imagine how amazing the weightlessness would feel on the way down

4 am.

Stand up on the very end of the ledge

Imagine a strong gust of wind making the decision for her

Hint of sunrise

Take a step back

Turns her back to the waves once again and walks back down the road

Back in her childhood room

Her little sister sleeping soundly

Dress comes off

Hair goes up

Back in her old pajamas

Climbs into bed and wonders

If one day the sun won’t be enough to turn her back

Everyone’s been there at one time or another, we want to complete a task and for some reason our brain is telling us “no” There’s no apparent reason why we shouldn’t be able to complete the task but nevertheless, there’s something in the way, blocking the progress.

I was alone for a lot of my early years. In fact, a lot of my earliest memories consist of me, myself, and I staring out the window waiting for my parents or grandparents to come home. Nevertheless, I’ve always had a predisposition to be hyperaware of my thoughts. Because of this, and my fascination of neuroscience, I got thinking about why we get mind blocks.

We’ve all heard the advice- just do the task for five minutes or starting is the hardest part, but I want to know where the block comes from in the first place. What I have deduced is that we are all in an unprecedented time where attention is a commodity and it’s causing rapid changes to the chemical structure of our nervous system. This isn’t to be a fear mongering fact it simply is the modern day norm. Because of this, I have found it extremely helpful to remind myself that this is all an experience.

If there’s a block I’m experiencing, instead of stressing about it I take a step out of my mind and evaluate my environment. In the same way that our bodies maintain homeostasis to stay healthy, our brains should work in a similar matter to help us be productive. The conflict arises when we place ourselves in situations that threaten that homeostasis or make our brains think that we are not in a state to be productive.

When I find myself in a block, I ask myself what I am doing that is causing my brain to be in distress and therefore prohibiting my productivity. This has been immensely helpful to get through dealing with procrastination especially. If I am not well rested then I cannot study. If I haven’t eaten enough then my brain doesn’t let me push myself harder. If I can’t get through housework then I haven’t taken any time for myself.

Replace the blocks with solutions. Help your brain feel safe by fulfilling your needs and creating a peaceful environment that allows you to thrive.

Five years old. I had a big stomach and everyone commented on it. I was bigger, my voice was loud, and I was joyful taking up space. My mother had different feelings. One numerous occasions, I was told to talk quieter and eat less. When you fill a child’s head with these thoughts they are internalized in ways that cannot be fathomed. In fact, I don’t remember a single moment in my life that I didn’t want to be smaller and take up less space.

Time went on, I got bigger and so did my fascination with being skinny. I wanted so badly to be the teeny tiny girls I’d see on TV or even on my soccer team. I was always the tallest and, as my parents often reminded me, the fattest in my grade. Years and years of being compared lead to more trouble than I signed up for. I was put on a diet in sixth grade. By middle school I was on diet teas and by my sophomore year in high school I had become a shell of who I once was.

I’d finally done it. I was small but it wasn’t enough. It never is and that is what no one tells you. Time went on, I got older, and smaller and smaller and smaller. But here’s something else no one will tell you. Yes you feel terrible, weak, irritable, and tired, and your hair falls out….. the list goes on. My point is, despite all of this, I felt happy. I thought I was the happiest I had ever been at my lowest wait and sometimes, even today, I still think that’s true. I was happy to finally conquer what has been plaguing me my entire life. No one could ever call me big again. My parents could see the consequences of their actions. Not that they would ever take responsibility for what I went through. But it really is a mind twister. I know I was sick and weak but I was happy and now that I have recovered a bit, that happiness is fleeting.

I’ve studied neuroscience and I have an immense love for it. I know that there are pathways we construct in our brains and they take a lot of work to make and even more work to dismantle. I wish someone had told me this ten years ago but we can’t change the past. I know that the battle against this disorder won’t ever really go away but I am trying my best to not feel too much. I refuse to be trapped by my mind any longer and this is what I try and tell myself when I spiral.

Welcome to my profile. I’m so glad you’re here.

My goal with these articles/ stories is to share my experiences in hopes of helping others who may need it. Word vomiting may be prevalent as it has always been the way I express my thought but I will do my best to keep it as readable as possible. Again, I’m so glad to share and my messages are open if you want to connect!